Panic attack after panic attack...

Hey there, I hope you're having an amazing day. My blog is a little bit all over the place at the moment I'm not sure what I want to do with it.. like what content to post. Once I figure that out I hope it will be a bit better.

I have social anxiety: It is an anxiety disorder in which a person who is experiencing it is afraid of social situations (like talking infront of the class) also people who have social anxiety fear that they are constantly being judged and criticized by other people.

 I have an entire blog post dedicated to my story with anxiety and how I deal with it ( http://lookitsfifi.blogspot.ie/2016/02/my-struggle-with-anxiety.html ) It's a long read but hopefully it can make you understand a little bit better.

As if anxiety wasn't bad enough I also have panic attacks. These thankfully aren't that frequent and I probably experience them maybe three times a week, which isn't too bad. Lately my anxiety and panic attacks have been getting alot worse then usual. I go through phases where it is really good and I don't get anxious about much, but I also get times where my anxiety gets really bad where I can't even ask to go to the toilet in class and where I get a lot of panic attacks. Anxiety for anyone who has experienced it is a very uncomfortable and awkward feeling.

I do work experience every Monday and I love it, the people I work with are so lovely and kind. And I love the environment there. However, that is where my anxiety is really bad just because it's not something I'm used to doing every day. At school it's bad but nowhere as bad as work experience. Last night I was feeling very anxious and down, this morning was no different and on top of that I felt very sick (I have a flu). I was doing washup today where I work and for no reason at all I just started to get very dizzy, and my heart was beating so quickly. I found it difficult to breathe and I started sweating. I had to go away from everyone and try to compose myself. I started crying and I couldn't breathe. After fifteen minutes went past I decided to tell the people that I work with that I wasn't feeling well. They were so nice and really caring. They sat me down and gave me a glass of water. Twenty minutes went by and I was feeling better but I still wasn't breathing properly.My panic attack had gone, for then. Ten minutes later it came back and the room was spinning. I couldn't handle it.  I decided then that I wanted to go home, thankfully I had someone to collect me. The minute I sat down at home I relaxed so much. This was relieving but also very annoying because I really wanted to be able to overcome it so I don't have to leave a situation because of my anxiety.

I started to feel very guilty that I had to leave work, I felt like I would never be able to work somewhere. Basically I just started to beat myself up really badly which isn't fair. It's not my fault that I get anxious sometimes and that I can't control it.

Instead of dwelling on what happened I need to find a way to learn how to compose myself better. I tried breathing slower and that didn't really help. I tried grounding which is thinking of five things you can see, hear, smell and feel. This helped to a certain extent but not really.

I'm writing this just to say that if you deal with this too, you're not alone. Anxiety just makes even the simplest of things difficult. It's a constant battle of one moment feeling okay and an other moment you feel like you're crumbling. You're strong enough to deal with it and you can do it. Believe in yourself. I hope this post did kinda help in someway.

Have you ever had anxiety or panic attacks? And if so how did you deal with it?

Until next time,
                      Fiona x

A Year On...

Hey everyone, it has been such a long time since I've sat down and started writing a post (I'll go onto that later). My new YouTube video has just gone up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRPYtqqed0s (it's my Italy Vlog)

I started this Blog on the fifth of October 2015, so a year ago last week. To think that I've been doing this for a year is so crazy. I started watching Zoella on YouTube in May of 2014 (I think) and immediately I loved her. There was just something about her that really stood out to me. I had never watched YouTube before that. I had never known that there were such people as YouTuber's I would occasionally watch YouTube for school projects but never to the extent I watch it now. Like YouTube I never knew there were Blogs either. I didn't even know what a Blog was until I read Zoe's again I fell in love with the way it connected with people. From then on I really wanted to have my own Blog. However I was terrified of what people (in school and outside) would think of me.

Putting myself out there at a stage where I had no self confidence and at a time where my anxiety was really bad was terrifying. I was also sitting my Junior Cert that Summer so it really didn't seem like a good time.

I remember I had been thinking about creating my own Blog after reading Zoe's novel Girl Online. On the fifth of October I came home from school because I had a panic attack and because I wasn't feeling well. That day I decided I was going to just do it and create it. I don't think I'll ever forget how nervous I was when I created it. When people at school found out (I put up when I had a new Blog post on my Snapchat and Instagram) I started to get even more anxious. One time I even got so close to deleting it but I was then reminded by my friends of why I had started it. Some people said they didn't like my Blog that it was too forced and dramatic and boring.. but you always have to remember that not everyone is going to love everything you do, that's just the way life is. The only real and important thing I learnt from my business class was ' without critics you'll likely have no success'. This has literally kept me going for everything. Before I started my Blog besides my Instagram there was nothing else I really loved doing. The beauty about a Blog is that you can talk about anything you want. It can range from beauty topics, fashion, food or relationships literally anything.

I have always found school really difficult even in primary school I would be the worst in the class just because nothing could stay in my brain. In secondary school I started to feel very stupid and hopeless. In my mind there was nothing I was good at I had to work so hard even just to pass a test. I was absolutely terrified about my Junior Cert (which I actually did okay in, I was shocked) there was eleven subjects I found so difficult. When I started writing my Blog I was so happy that there was something I really enjoyed to do to take my mind off how stressed I was for exams. Looking back now the Junior Cert is nothing to worry about at all.



Obviously having a Blog and a YouTube channel in such a small school where everyone knows everyone people are going to find out.. which initially was my biggest fear. Some people have been so nice and of course some haven't but that's just the way life is. Having people make fun of something that you love and something that already gives you alot of anxiety isn't a nice feeling. Although at the end of the day if you're doing the thing that makes you feel happy (which for me took ages to find)  fuckkkk what anyone else says. Because if someone is sad enough with their own life to have to make fun of someone else's happiness that just shows how sad their life is. It also shows that they're not nice people.. I believe that the people who pick on others aren't truly happy in themselves. Surround yourself with people who make you want to do better and people who make you feel positive.

I haven't published a post on this since August. The reason for that is because I started to feel very unmotivated. I wrote posts but they weren't good enough for me to publish. I've also been very busy but I do want to post more because I love writing on this.

Creating my Blog and my YouTube is the best decision I've ever made.. I love writing a post and making a video. They make me happy. I want to try and help people with my videos and my posts. If you want to create a Blog or a YouTube Channel or whatever it may be do it. Because although I was terrified I am so happy I did it.

'You never know until you try'

That's pretty much all I wanted to say. Thanks for reading x

Be Careful Online...

Hey everyone, I know it's been a while since my last post! It's been a crazy few months! I've been so busy with my YouTube Channel it's crazy! I've also been lacking a lot of motivation and ideas for what to post over here!

Something happened to me yesterday night that really shook and upset me. I'm not going to go into too much detail about it because it is a little bit uncomfortable for me to talk about, but if this can save at least one person that is amazing. Last night I got a message from a man on Facebook named 'Conor Connolly' (the reason I am saying his name is to warn others about him.. he is vile and disgusting if you get a friend request/message from this vile man please don't accept/answer. He is dangerous)  He started messaging me casually so I messaged him back just to be nice. I guess you can see where this is going.. I have just turned 17 and this guy is in his like 20's (that's what he said anyway, but who knows) he asked me my age so from the very beginning he was made aware of my age. He then asked me if I had a bf which I said no to.. he then turned the questions to a very sexual turn.. I protested saying he shouldn't be asking a minor those questions that it was illegal. He was being incredibly pushy and just gross.  Because I'm an idiot I made up answers to some of the questions he was asking instead of just blocking him.. he then asked me for nudes and I said no. He then threatened to send my Dad on Facebook our conversation (don't ask how he knew my Dad's facebook I have no idea..) if I didn't send him nudes. At this point I was so angry and upset. I told him basically to fuck off that he was asking a minor for nudes. My sister stepped in and told him that it was illegal and he was blackmailing me. He even agreeded to what we said. However he kept the threat going until I blocked him. It was so terrifying and made me re-think everything.

You don't need to tell me I'm an Idiot and that I'm stupid and naive because I already know that. That night I had the biggest panic attack ever.. I felt so guilty and ashamed that I responded to such a creep and put myself at risk like that.Thankfully I have such amazing friends and family that helped me through it!!  I usually respond to everyone because I want to be nice.. and if the conversation ever gets inappropriate I usually tell the person to back off.. but this time I didn't because he manipulated me so well (not pushing all the blame on him, I'm still an Idiot). The things this man said to me were horrific and just disgusting which is why I am not putting in the screenshots. Don't make the mistake I did.

Despite the fact that it was a terrifying experience it was still a wake up call. Not all people you meet are legit and have the best interests for you. ESPECIALLY ONLINE. Please don't make the mistake I did. People like this are out for one thing which is to catch you up.. they are vile people. Please be careful.

I honestly got myself so down over this.. I didn't really sleep last night because I felt disgusting. I was naive and stupid and shouldn't have answered his questions (even if I was bluffing in most of the answers) it still wasn't okay. Atleast I know that now. However what this (deletes mean words haha) man did was inexcusable. HE was asking for naked pictures of a MINOR. That is Illegal.. The things he said to me were disgusting and.. ugh I honestly felt sick to my stomach. This was a massive wake up call for me, I am no longer messaging people I don't know and stopping the conversation when it gets inappropriate. Please don't make the mistake I did.. it was so scary! Stay safe x

It's Been A While

Hey there, I have a lot of explaining to do. It's been well over a month since my last blog post. After my exams finished I promised myself that my blog would be so active (maybe even a post twice a week). The truth is I haven't really been feeling great this past month. I actually have a YouTube video describing some of this (how crazy does that sound to say haha)
It is called Emotional Chit-Chat (I will get more into my YouTube Channel later).

After my exams I went through a week of pure happiness, I was so happy that the Junior Cert was over and I could finally put that shit behind me (dreading the results though haha) I really had such a good week after the exams, however the second week everything just seemed to hit me. When you're waiting for exams all year, I found that I didn't really have time to be sad or to overthink and let my thoughts get to me. I was so busy with school and worrying about exams my thoughts were just about exams.. So being off school and not having exams meant that I now had time for the negative thoughts to hit me, which no surprise they did.

 I've just started my YouTube channel a month ago, and to me my video quality isn't great. I don't have the best camera, or I don't have an editing software (the struggle is real) so I just felt like I wasn't good enough. I compared myself to people like Zoella,and Eve Bennett and comparing yourself to other people is never ever a good thing. Like I've just started of course I'm not going to be as good as them, they've had years of experience. However, I'm still not pleased with it then my worrying came onto this Blog, I started comparing myself to other Blogger's. A few of my favorite Blogger's are Zoella, Tanya Burr, Poppy Deyes and Hello Holly ( her blog and YouTube channel are so amazing, and she's Irish!! She's so talented and lovely! Highly recommend that you check her out) all of they're blogs look and are so incredible. I got too bogged down over how professional my blog should look.. Whereas honestly I am just an amateur, I have just started and at the end of the content is so much more important than how it looks. I started a blog not to be a professional I started it to get my thoughts out and to do what made me happy.

The reason I started this Blog is because I really was interested in blogs and how they connected with people. I love reading blogs and thought I might as well get started and try it. It was one of the best things I have done this year, it was so much fun and I was so excited to get to write a post every week. After my last post which was Anxiety & School, everything started to go downhill. I was more scarred of putting myself out there I was terrified of what people would think, I was self conscious and it wasn't nice. I wasn't excited to post a new blog post.. I did write some but was so unhappy with them that I didn't post them. My blog may not look like Zoe's hers is so incredible, but mine is still me to a T.Everything I post I want to post, and feel passionate about. I am doing something that makes me feel happy. I started YouTube because I've been interested in it for so long, I really wanted to see what it was like. I have three videos over there, which actually turned out so much better than I thought. They're not amazing or anything. Knowing that strangers can see my videos and even people I know gives me such anxiety, however also knowing that people I don't know are subscribing to me.. and commenting on my videos and even some other YouTubers are talking to me is such a weird and amazing feeling. The support has been amazing.

I got myself so invested into what people would think about me that I didn't want to make another post the overthinking sucks so bad. One friend once told me 'without critics you'll likely have no success'. If you're doing what makes you happy fuck what other people think. If someone has the time to be looking into what other people are doing.. and is hating on that person because they are getting their self out there that clearly means that, that person is jealous and has nothing better to be doing. How sad is it for some people to take the piss out of someone for doing what makes them happy? It's so sad. If you're not doing what you love because you're too scared of what people think, try and remember that 'without critics you'll likely have no success'. Your idol has dealt with hate at some stage of their life. However they are still doing their thing. You do you. As easy as it is to give advice to people about being strong and to try and do what they love it is very hard to actually take that on board myself. I just try and remember that every struggle I go through is a step closer to getting to where I want to be. There will be storms but they will clear up and the sun will come through. This process is like a circuit it happens again and again, but each time you get stronger. There will be some downfalls but you can get through them and you can get up again.
Life is like falling off a bike, you get up and try and tackle life again. Do what makes you happy. Love you x

Let's Talk About: Anxiety & School

Living with anxiety is really difficult. It is the constant fear that everything you do is wrong or simply not good enough. Doing simple tasks like eating in front of people, putting something in the bin or standing/talking in front of people can be very difficult. These are things that some people don't have to second guess, things most people regard as easy. Life becomes even more difficult than it already is and an easily collapse without any notice.

I have known that I've had anxiety from the age of fourteen, however when I was twelve I had anxiety too, I had no clue that what I had been feeling had a name, that being anxiety. I remember I would cry before I went places because I was too scared that I would either see someone I knew, or make a fool out of myself. I would have heat palliations while queuing, I would feel like everyone's eyes were drilling into me laughing at me and judging me. From the vulnerable age of twelve I thought I was the weirdest person in the world, I would constantly ask myself why I wasn't enough, or why I couldn't just be normal!

When I was twelve mental health problems were never thought ins school (or anywhere I knew of for that matter), I thought the only health problems you could have were physical health issues such as athsma (which I also have). Don't get me wrong, health problems are serious but why is it that anyone suffering with mental illness's are brushed away? Just because you can't see mental health as easy as health that doesn't mean it shouldn't be dealt with in the same way.

Why is it that children aren't being taught about how serious mental illness's are? They're  not being taught about the dangers of not looking after yourself.
I didn't know that what I was was normal, in fact loads of people suffer with anxiety and many other mental illness's may not know that what they have can be treated. Finding out that what I had (being anxiety) was so liberating and relieving.

Today, I am a sixteen year old still battling crippling anxiety. I still find it hard queuing in shops, I still fall into endless panic attacks over 'stupid' things, but you know what? I am not the only person dealing with this knowing that helps me stay strong. It helps me feel at ease with myself.

Going to school with anxiety is the most difficult thing ever. I started secondary school when I was fourteen (which is actually quite old here in Ireland), I had not yet found out that I had anxiety. That first year of school was hell, I was vulnerable and  immature. Academically, I have always found school very difficult. I was never the top of any class. Maths in particular forever being my dowfnall. I would have panic attack after panic attack in classrooms because the fear of being asked to talk out in class was over-whelming and often I couldn't handle it also the fear of not being good enough in a subject was over-whelming. I have always been hard on myself, so when I didn't do as well as I would have liked that is when the self punishment started.

I will always think that the education system is fucked. I am grateful for the opportunity to have an education, but it is definitely flawed. I found the first two years of school very tough. I am not 'booksmart' and I find school extremely difficult. There were subjects in school I was doing that I hated, I had no interest in. For example, business (important but I could not give a crap about it), music, religion, science (again important but not for me) there are various subjects I had to do in my school which I could not give a shit about. What is the point of studying something you don't like? I'm bad at studying anyway but studying something I don't like, chances are I won't do it.

However there are things that I am interested in which are not tested in school, for example photography and drama. So for anyone in school who is A battling anxiety or B studying something they don't like or are getting bad grades. Don't worry. Everything in life happens for a reason, and there is something you are good at. Stay passionate and stay strong.

Moral of Blog Post: People should be taught at a young age about mental health illness's. Then people will be more aware and will know how to handle it if they ever find themselves having a mental illness. There is definitely still a stigma around Mental Health that needs to be resolved.
Also do the things you love, not everyone is booksmart and some people find school difficult. That's okay, there is always other ways of doing the things you are passionate about.

Stay strong and slay,
Lots of love,

                    Fiona xo