Today I was sitting the second day of my Christmas exams (it's not Christmas I know, but junior & leaving cert students do theirs earlier) today we had history, maths & Irish. I thought history & irish were difficult. History is one of my favourite subjects I just love it. But as you guys know I barley studied last week, so I had to make up the time this week.
I found the test difficult even though I studied during my week off, and yesterday from 6 to half 11 (yes I did have small breaks between that) and then this morning I studied 45 minutes. I really think I could have done much better in the test, I just got so confused with all the information that was in my head. Oh well.
Maths went okay (I'm really bad at maths so I'm in ordinary level, even at that I just about pass the tests) it was the easy stuff that we've done this year.
And as for Irish, I'm not really sure. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
Tomorrow we have French, science and business. Which I am dreading so so much. I'm terrible at all of them.
I do after school study which runs from a quarter to four to half five, and I tried so hard to study. And I just got a really bad anxiety attack, it really was bad. French and science I'm not dreading too badly (still don't like them though) but business is why I had my anxiety attack.
I am so so bad at business. Not even going to lie, I don't know how to do the accounting at all, and it's really freaking me out. I fell behind in second year and was two scared to ask for help, and now I'm fucked. The theory is fine, I have no problem learning theory. It's just the accounting (which is no surprise it's related to maths) that really has me confused. I do try really hard, I just can never get it. And it always really upsets me. I tried to get my mind off of it because the last thing you need in supervised study is a panic attack.
I'm dreading tomorrow so much, I'll actually fail it.
After study when I got into the car I was still shacked from my panic attack, and briefly started crying.
I just coudn't take the pressure from the tests. I have kept myself together for so long and it did just get me, to a point where I coudn't take it anymore. When I was alone in my room I just coudn't stop the tears. I felt like I wasn't good enough, I felt that I wasn't trying hard enough and that I was going to fail.
When I eventually stopped crying I tried to pull myself together again.
I am not the best in school not going to lie, I'm not one of those people who can study for fifteen minutes and be okay, when I study I have to study so hard, and even then I can still fail. It's literally like this with every subject. However, I do try my best. I really do. And you know what that is the main thing. I suppose there could be times where I should study more, and try more. I am so sick of coming home from school some days feeling like absolute shit. I am so tired of having school crush me into pieces, I'm sick of waking up in the middle of the night worrying if I'm going to fail a test. And I'm sick of this idea that you're only smart if you get good grades. I am not a straight A student (not even a B or C) but that does not mean I am not smart. I could be smart in other ways. And so could you.
If you're going through exams the same as me, or even if you're not but are stressed about school. Just ask yourself: Am I trying my hardest?
Set yourself goals, because no feeling beats the feeling of accomplishment when you pass a test on a subject you used to be failing (science for me). Nothing beats it, you will feel better mentally and physically. And it will encourage you to do that for other subjects as well.
For me, I am really bad at dealing with stress in school. I cry (I'm a crier) at the slightest thing I get stressed over (it does help as well).
I saw this photo on Facebook (I don't remember who posted it, so I can't show credit) but it really made me open my eyes about school and how much this education system is so fucked up.
Don't get me wrong I love learning. But I hate learning in a sense that there is so much pressure you want to cry and break down.
This picture is literally amazing, and I coudn't agree with it more.
I just want to say if you're stressed and finding school difficult you're not alone. It may feel like you are because when you look around when you're doing a test, you can see everyone scribbling stuff down, when the teacher calls on someone in class and they get the answer right, and what you said in your head is wrong, you are not stupid. Everyone is good at something's and bad at another. It's just because we all have different flaws, but those are what makes us beautiful.
Remember: you are trying, you are doing the best you can (if you think you can do better then gently encourage yourself, don't ever put too much pressure on yourself, it can sometimes just lead to you giving up) you are loved, and you are worth everything you have.
Please remember this.
I know most of my blogs are about more serious stuff, but really when ever I have a problem I feel that I can't be the only one who feels like this, and even if I help one person. That is this blog worth everything I've been putting into it.
I hope this helped, I love you xx
Instagram: @lookitsfifi (I changed it back)